I still miss living with them.

Ok. I'm a little upset with myself. My friend and I was talking about Massachusetts law. I read an article about...well, I'll just post a piece of the article by Adam Winkler here. "The Massachusetts statute defining "disorderly conduct" used to have a provision that made it illegal to make "unreasonable noise or offensively coarse utterance, gesture or display," or to address "abusive language to any person present." Yet the courts have interpreted that provision to violate the Massachusetts Constitution's guarantee of freedom of speech. So police cannot lawfully arrest a person for hurling abusive language at an officer." My point was you don't have to be in your home to curse out the law. You can be anyway in Massachusetts. She said it was in you home that you could do it. Now, I should have spoken up about what I read but I did not. Where is my confidence? I realizes I should not hold my tongue when we are having a discussion and I know I am right. I also know that I hold her in such high esteem that I don't want to correct the person I look to for guidance for fear the guidance won't be there for me later on. Which is dumb because I know she loves me and the guidance will all ways be there for me to ask for. Ok. I'm not upset with myself anymore.

The fear is "We love you C but we feel we've done enough for you as is." When TJ was talking about it I felt real fear. It cut through my haze, which had been pretty strong, and hit the pit of my stomach. If I put this out to the two people that have done more for me than anyone in my life and they say no. What do I think that will do to me? Yes it will hurt but really...wait...Nicole took me in not knowing me from Adam.

You know they can only say no.

Yesterday should have been the best day ever, kind of, but it wasn't. I finally got my license which meant I'm off probation. This is a very big deal. Instead I have to deal with a lying piece of shit of an ex. Since he was having an off day decided to be an ass. I told him to take my back to my friends home. I get back here, still happy I have my license...maybe I just took it the wrong way. Anyway..."What are you doing here?" was the statement I hear. This was a massive blow. My TJ, my counselor confronted my on my living situation. After stating my goal of moving out next she questioned me more. I stated that I would love to rent a room from my friends and stay here a little longer. She suggested I talked to them about a 6 months trial and in 6 month reevaluate the situation and maybe try another 6 months to a year. This would allow me to interact with my friends on a equal level, somewhat, and help with my verbal skills. Since I have been running from them because of my own guilt and knowing If I interact with them, as I greatly desire to, and move out I would be really depressed.

Thanks to my med I'm at a different level of mad. Mad but oh well I don't give a fuck. It's weird.

I know it's too soon to feel the effects of my meds but I don't feel anything. I haven't felt the highs and lows that I normally do. I can't get excited about anything. I can fake it but I don't feel it as I once did. I feel numb actually. I feel like I'm in slow mo and I don't care about anything. Is this what it's like to be "normal"?

I don't know. I just...blah

I realize I've been depressed over the passing of Maxx. I'm not even sure of the true spelling of his name. haha I had been feeling I had no right to cry over his lose. Which I now know is stupid. He was my companion when no one else was around. I talked to him every day. We laughed, he was there to hear me cry we talked and even argued. It did not matter that I was not his owner, he was my friend. I will miss you Maxx. As I now cry over the lose of you. I won't hear you morning hello. You saying come back as I feed you. Me telling you I'll be right back as I go do whatever. You letting me know someone is at the door knocking or letting me know someone has come into my temp home. It's so quiet without you. I miss your song, you the bird that did not know he could fly; flew into my heart. Goodbye my friend.

Maxx the bird is dead. I'm so down right now because of his passing. I'm doing my best to hold on to the fact that he was 8 years old, which is old for a parrakeet. It still sucks though.

I guess I'll just free flow this. I created the sushi page today. It has a nice background and koto music. I think it's really nice. It gives the page that 'little something extra'.

As for me...ok, so I made my appointment with Trisha J. the other day. It was great! We had to review because it had been over a month since I've seen here. We were able to see how far I have come which is really great. There are a couple of areas I was not happy with. I didn't want to talk about my mother. I realize or I had to admit I stayed in my room so I would not get use to being around people. Actually we talked a great deal about the friends I'm temporarily staying with. I know I'm going to be sorry for not spending more time with them because I love them and want to spend time with them but I know it would make me really, really depressed when I leave. As it stands this past month has really been hard. Watching the dates go by. Planning and replanning how I should plan for Sept. It's almost here. Just saying that...I just have to take it one day at a time. Make sure I am taking care of business on my end. Which I am proud to say I have been. I have been really tight fisted with my money and also rewarding myself. I have not touched any of the money from my checks. Awesome in it self. I have also put away money from my tip out. I finally broke down twice and paid myself. I brought more ram and a hard drive then I went out this past Sunday and plan to go out this Wednesday and that will be it for a long time, on my tab that is. lol I wanted to have $2000 before I left here but I won't have enough time for that. I have been searching for a roommate. The ones I've come across have been drug fiends, guys that are move out of state, Matt T., Brandon, Chris P. Scott would be great but he is planning to move in with 3 other people. The problem is all these people are way younger than me and love to party. I just can't be around all that. I know I could fall into it and I don't want to. Being homeless sucks but I am so lucky, blessed, grateful that my friends have helped me this far. I really don't want to let them down. I want them to see me move forward and upward. Plus I could not deal with a personal failer. At least I have the back up plan. A plan I so don't want to use so I am working my ass off to not use it. But at least it would allow for a open casket. It's really weird I remember the dream I had. I was watching my own funeral and there was so many people there it was amazing. I could not believe how many people I had touched during my life. I just hope that my death is caused my me killing myself. I know it will happen before my mom dies and I still have a few more people to meet. The memory of that dream is still so strong with me. Sometimes I really hate the gift of seeing the future but oh well. Let me tell you the empathy gift still sucks. I still have a hard time realizing it's not me feeling some of the feelings I'm feeling. Channeling other people emotions is a real BITCH and a "gift" I could really go without.

So I decided I will try the pawn shops to find another bike. I know the bitch of it will be to find the right bike for my size. I still can't believe how long I've been with the wrong bikes and doing damage to my body. My left knee is not ever going to heal which really saddens and hurt likes hell for days if it gets tapped wrong. Hmmmm what else...Oh I worked on the backyard the other day. I still don't know how to make it a place in which J.D. wants to spend time back there. I really wish I could go get soil and flower for the beds. It would help bring the back to life and make it a place that she would want to see everyday. I keep holding back. Just when I think I have a idea I stop myself because I don't want to slip into "living" here. There is so much I want to do. Anyway...

I had really strange dreams last night. A number of them was sexual but the last one was not. At the end of the last dream I was trying to get the neighbors together to get the EPA to stop a company from drain our wetlands that all of us had behind our homes. I was a white guy in this dream, funny I know. It was so vivid and I felt so much passion and anger. I woke up like I need to go to bed. I slept til after 4pm and have been wanting to sleep ever since. I want to take care of the brushes up front tomorrow. I hope to be rested and up early enough to get it done. I pray for a good night sleep that will take the pain in my neck away. Well, I guess that is enough gibberish for one evening. I don't think there is anything else on my mind.

The database stuff is so far out of my league. I don't understand a damn thing.

I have to admit to myself that I have made progress. The paranoid voice have been gone for months now. I realize that yesterday. It did make me feel a great deal better.

Sunday will be three weeks since I first saw the kittens. I notice yesterday that one is missing. There is an orange(like dad(, black, and two black, gray, white(like mom) that was roaming around. One of the black, gray, white is gone. I am a little sadden but still hopeful that he/she is still around somewhere.

Nap time.

I've got to figure out why I've slipped into "I don't careIwhat happens to me)" mood. I haven't felt like this in years. I feel like...The night I decided I was going to drink myself stupid and sleep out side because I knew it was going to drop below freeze and that would kill me. Not making the money I was making when I started this job has a great deal to do with it I'm sure. Needing or wanting, I'm not sure which, someone to hang with. I have two great people here to do that with. Well, my arch enemy, WOW, gets in the way or I don't want interfere or interact when they are playing. I also never got over invading their space. I have to forgive myself. I fell and I'm working to get back up and not do the same things over again. I have to give myself credit for that. I'm only mortal. I can't wait for my session this Monday. This ride issue is really eating me up. I have all night shifts next week, I just can't do it.

I just can't handle it right now. I have to have the bike. There is no other way around it. I can't be dependent on other people for rides, I'm over it. I'm so depressed right now. I'm so tired of crying. I'm lonely. I need some physical interaction with someone, someone "special", yeah right. See, if I was dead I would not have to worry about all this shit. Yes, it ends any possibilities of any thing getting better. I don't fucking care and I should but I don't. I write this hoping or thinking I will reread all this and laugh at where I was in life and be thankful that I am not dead. For now...living is so overrated.

After weeks of saving up my money, which meant not going out and not eating at work, I brought myself 2gigs of ram and a new hard drive, 1TB. I turned down all the invites to go out and did not have any Grey Goose Cosmos at work. Even now I'm not buying drinks from work, cost to much. I'm taking more control of myself.

I have to be out of here by the year mark, August. I'll admit it has really stressed me out. I've had more than a few sleepless nights. I'm just so grateful that I've been allow to stay in "The Pink Room". Just knowing I wasn't getting kicked out as long and I moved forward was/is such a boost to me to move forward and grow in many different way. I seek guides and approval from my friends that I normally would not seek. It has been a way for me to be a child again and learn what is right and wrong and a "normal" home. This is something I have desired and needed for so long. I wish I had more time. There is more I need to figure out but I don't have the time. Wait...I think I got here in October...which means nothing if I hear "you have 2 weeks". Even now I'm freaking out inside. I just want to make sure I have the money to start out right this time. Having a car would be great but...stress, pressure, fear. Wait! As long as I remember there is always an easy way out I can relax, some what. Ok, I'm going to relax and do my damndest...no, I'm going to have my license back before I have to go. I won't have time to make my $2000 goal but w/e.

My next set of goals is to get my license...the others get mixed up. I can live in a car and get other jobs and not depend on ecat or other people. I've been blessed by God to get the rides that I get.

Fusion. It would cut into my other job because of the bus situation.

Better off dead

I have been stressed for the last few months since the shifts have been cut at work. I could have had my license back by now if I did not have to pay storage.

I still don't care that I think about offing myself. If I get to the point that I'm going to hit rock bottom after all this work to better myself...Yes, I've already figured out how and where to do it.

Damn it, I did not realize I've been depressed after "the talk". It really hit me hard. I haven't thought of this as home, just to keep me from being comfortable. I knew I needed to have a car to make it work in the world. But I'm running out of time and patience with myself. Oh well, I'm going to live my life to the fullest, some what, and make my goals real or die. Its the whole go hard or go home attitude.

I've been somewhat avoiding them. I want to understand, be apart of, or have more knowledge of WOW. Once Diablo III come out, God I pray they play it also.
That's when I feel isolated. I don't understand the conversation. I'm also busy with my on and off learning, which I am growing in, which is a great thing.

She's gone downstairs...Cry

I'm so torn. Monday I see my therapist. I really looking forward to touch my mother issues. NOT!

Even though I'm doing better as a person. I'm only mortal. I realize...nothing. I'm going to do some yard work I need another form of release.

I realize that I did not get on the party bus for lLiz's birthday because I don't have a car. I did not on the tubing adventure for the same reason.

I had to relearn a lesson this past Saturday. My old friend Jacob H. called me at work and wanted to know if I wanted to go out with him and this other guy from Genesis's past and Angie, a woman who came and ate at the restaurant and raved about me to Jacob.. I said sure, I couldn't find a ride home from work, I was really tired. To make a long story...Jacob hooked up with someone, Eric left and I ended up walking to the Circle K on A and Garden. That was after I walked a mile out of the way to see if a co worked was at her bf's home. Luckily, the guy and girl showed up at the Circle K just as my cab pulled up so after dropping Michelle at his place Kyle(hotness with legs and an ass that won't quit) took me to Jacob to get directions to Eric so I could get my iPod, Bose and other stuff from his car. Before Eric and Jacob said how sorry they were and Jacob left me a voice message the next day. You see Jacob left me behind for a trick many years ago.

The lesson in all this...HAVE YOUR OWN CAR! That will solve so many problems. I can find other work, it's slow at the restaurant. I can save time not waiting on a bus that sometime runs properly. Independence. Then I may feel like being more social and not spend so much time my homie the computer.

Why am I so angry today?

1st day
My brain hurts. It's freaking awesome! I'm tired.

Buddy was in my dream last night. I was at home/church. I went outside with a dirt Buddy in my arms started speaking in Hebrew. I was walking around the building reciting some chat. As I rounded the corner I saw my friend Joyce out the corner of my eye then I woke up. I was listening to a program about Hanukah on PRI, hosted by Leonard Nimoy. LOL

I started my 39th year of life by continuing the pressure washing of my friends driveway, still not finished. I did get the beams and patio done, yeah. I vacuumed Jesse, old guy, care and help him condition the leather seats of his Town Car, top of the live Cartier. I was so sore after all that and the pressure washing from the day before I showered and took a nap. Perk woke me and my friends treated me to one of my favorite restaurants, Zea. Oh, wait...before we left the house I was given gifts. I have to admit it was awesome. I didn't expect anything, I live with them for god sake how could I wish for anything more but I got another bear. YEAH!!! His name is Buddy Bear, pictures up on myspace, hehe. Also I got a iTunes gift card, very sweet but wait, there's more, chocolates, I had to hide the bag from myself or it would be gone in moments. It has been a full day of good, with the brief moment of family, no comment, and other "close" friends forgetting my birthday. Oh well. I'm happy.

Granddaddy is dead.

I found out yesterday that my grandfather is dying. I found out this morning that he has prostate cancer and will be going any day now. Writing it down isn't helping me get it out. My eyes keep leaking just the same.

My mom is going to lose her dad. I just can't imagine the pain. I don't care that much for my own father so I just can not relate to her closeness with granddad. I only know my own pain and my own relationship with granddaddy. My eyes keep leaking.

I want to see him before he dies but in a way I want to remember him like I do. Aged, tough, strong brick mason whom I spent time with as a child. The man I visited as an adult. The man and his new wife, young enough for me to date her. The step aunt younger than most of my cousins. lol He has a had a long life, 83, yet I have so many questions I wanted to ask about his past, his family, his life. I only had a few opportunities to sit and talk with him and that was not enough, just not enough.

I wasn't asking for it. I wasn't asking for it. I was not asking for it. It's not my fault.

When will I stop crying? When will I stop hating myself for what happened? When will I blame him for what he did to me? When will I forgive myself? When will I realize I don't need forgiveness because I didn't do anything wrong?