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08:18am 22/10/2012
 
 
Nic
I'm working on a new update to the site.  My plan for it seem to take me to places I've never been before.  It's going to be very difficult to get it finished but I'm determined to get it done.
 
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(no subject)  
09:03am 24/10/2009
 
 
Nic
I still miss living with them.
 
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Upset with Self  
06:15pm 28/07/2009
 
 
Nic
Ok. I'm a little upset with myself. My friend and I was talking about Massachusetts law. I read an article about...well, I'll just post a piece of the article by Adam Winkler here. "The Massachusetts statute defining "disorderly conduct" used to have a provision that made it illegal to make "unreasonable noise or offensively coarse utterance, gesture or display," or to address "abusive language to any person present." Yet the courts have interpreted that provision to violate the Massachusetts Constitution's guarantee of freedom of speech. So police cannot lawfully arrest a person for hurling abusive language at an officer." My point was you don't have to be in your home to curse out the law. You can be anyway in Massachusetts. She said it was in you home that you could do it. Now, I should have spoken up about what I read but I did not. Where is my confidence? I realizes I should not hold my tongue when we are having a discussion and I know I am right. I also know that I hold her in such high esteem that I don't want to correct the person I look to for guidance for fear the guidance won't be there for me later on. Which is dumb because I know she loves me and the guidance will all ways be there for me to ask for. Ok. I'm not upset with myself anymore.
 
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so anyway...  
11:54am 17/07/2009
 
 
Nic
The fear is "We love you C but we feel we've done enough for you as is." When TJ was talking about it I felt real fear. It cut through my haze, which had been pretty strong, and hit the pit of my stomach. If I put this out to the two people that have done more for me than anyone in my life and they say no. What do I think that will do to me? Yes it will hurt but really...wait...Nicole took me in not knowing me from Adam.

You know they can only say no.
 
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WTF  
11:40am 17/07/2009
 
 
Nic
Yesterday should have been the best day ever, kind of, but it wasn't. I finally got my license which meant I'm off probation. This is a very big deal. Instead I have to deal with a lying piece of shit of an ex. Since he was having an off day decided to be an ass. I told him to take my back to my friends home. I get back here, still happy I have my license...maybe I just took it the wrong way. Anyway..."What are you doing here?" was the statement I hear. This was a massive blow. My TJ, my counselor confronted my on my living situation. After stating my goal of moving out next she questioned me more. I stated that I would love to rent a room from my friends and stay here a little longer. She suggested I talked to them about a 6 months trial and in 6 month reevaluate the situation and maybe try another 6 months to a year. This would allow me to interact with my friends on a equal level, somewhat, and help with my verbal skills. Since I have been running from them because of my own guilt and knowing If I interact with them, as I greatly desire to, and move out I would be really depressed.

Thanks to my med I'm at a different level of mad. Mad but oh well I don't give a fuck. It's weird.
 
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Feeling less - Seroquel  
06:46pm 28/06/2009
 
 
Nic
I know it's too soon to feel the effects of my meds but I don't feel anything. I haven't felt the highs and lows that I normally do. I can't get excited about anything. I can fake it but I don't feel it as I once did. I feel numb actually. I feel like I'm in slow mo and I don't care about anything. Is this what it's like to be "normal"?

I don't know. I just...blah
 
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My Goodbye to Maxx  
10:10am 08/06/2009
 
 
Nic
I realize I've been depressed over the passing of Maxx. I'm not even sure of the true spelling of his name. haha I had been feeling I had no right to cry over his lose. Which I now know is stupid. He was my companion when no one else was around. I talked to him every day. We laughed, he was there to hear me cry we talked and even argued. It did not matter that I was not his owner, he was my friend. I will miss you Maxx. As I now cry over the lose of you. I won't hear you morning hello. You saying come back as I feed you. Me telling you I'll be right back as I go do whatever. You letting me know someone is at the door knocking or letting me know someone has come into my temp home. It's so quiet without you. I miss your song, you the bird that did not know he could fly; flew into my heart. Goodbye my friend.
 
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Maxx  
11:28pm 04/06/2009
 
 
Nic
Maxx the bird is dead. I'm so down right now because of his passing. I'm doing my best to hold on to the fact that he was 8 years old, which is old for a parrakeet. It still sucks though.
 
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Hmmmmmm  
11:43pm 02/06/2009
 
 
Nic
I guess I'll just free flow this. I created the sushi page today. It has a nice background and koto music. I think it's really nice. It gives the page that 'little something extra'.

As for me...ok, so I made my appointment with Trisha J. the other day. It was great! We had to review because it had been over a month since I've seen here. We were able to see how far I have come which is really great. There are a couple of areas I was not happy with. I didn't want to talk about my mother. I realize or I had to admit I stayed in my room so I would not get use to being around people. Actually we talked a great deal about the friends I'm temporarily staying with. I know I'm going to be sorry for not spending more time with them because I love them and want to spend time with them but I know it would make me really, really depressed when I leave. As it stands this past month has really been hard. Watching the dates go by. Planning and replanning how I should plan for Sept. It's almost here. Just saying that...I just have to take it one day at a time. Make sure I am taking care of business on my end. Which I am proud to say I have been. I have been really tight fisted with my money and also rewarding myself. I have not touched any of the money from my checks. Awesome in it self. I have also put away money from my tip out. I finally broke down twice and paid myself. I brought more ram and a hard drive then I went out this past Sunday and plan to go out this Wednesday and that will be it for a long time, on my tab that is. lol I wanted to have $2000 before I left here but I won't have enough time for that. I have been searching for a roommate. The ones I've come across have been drug fiends, guys that are move out of state, Matt T., Brandon, Chris P. Scott would be great but he is planning to move in with 3 other people. The problem is all these people are way younger than me and love to party. I just can't be around all that. I know I could fall into it and I don't want to. Being homeless sucks but I am so lucky, blessed, grateful that my friends have helped me this far. I really don't want to let them down. I want them to see me move forward and upward. Plus I could not deal with a personal failer. At least I have the back up plan. A plan I so don't want to use so I am working my ass off to not use it. But at least it would allow for a open casket. It's really weird I remember the dream I had. I was watching my own funeral and there was so many people there it was amazing. I could not believe how many people I had touched during my life. I just hope that my death is caused my me killing myself. I know it will happen before my mom dies and I still have a few more people to meet. The memory of that dream is still so strong with me. Sometimes I really hate the gift of seeing the future but oh well. Let me tell you the empathy gift still sucks. I still have a hard time realizing it's not me feeling some of the feelings I'm feeling. Channeling other people emotions is a real BITCH and a "gift" I could really go without.

So I decided I will try the pawn shops to find another bike. I know the bitch of it will be to find the right bike for my size. I still can't believe how long I've been with the wrong bikes and doing damage to my body. My left knee is not ever going to heal which really saddens and hurt likes hell for days if it gets tapped wrong. Hmmmm what else...Oh I worked on the backyard the other day. I still don't know how to make it a place in which J.D. wants to spend time back there. I really wish I could go get soil and flower for the beds. It would help bring the back to life and make it a place that she would want to see everyday. I keep holding back. Just when I think I have a idea I stop myself because I don't want to slip into "living" here. There is so much I want to do. Anyway...

I had really strange dreams last night. A number of them was sexual but the last one was not. At the end of the last dream I was trying to get the neighbors together to get the EPA to stop a company from drain our wetlands that all of us had behind our homes. I was a white guy in this dream, funny I know. It was so vivid and I felt so much passion and anger. I woke up like I need to go to bed. I slept til after 4pm and have been wanting to sleep ever since. I want to take care of the brushes up front tomorrow. I hope to be rested and up early enough to get it done. I pray for a good night sleep that will take the pain in my neck away. Well, I guess that is enough gibberish for one evening. I don't think there is anything else on my mind.
 
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)**%$%^*&^(*%  
02:41pm 17/05/2009
 
 
Nic
The database stuff is so far out of my league. I don't understand a damn thing.
 
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