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Hmmmmmm  
11:43pm 02/06/2009
 
 
Nic
I guess I'll just free flow this. I created the sushi page today. It has a nice background and koto music. I think it's really nice. It gives the page that 'little something extra'.

As for me...ok, so I made my appointment with Trisha J. the other day. It was great! We had to review because it had been over a month since I've seen here. We were able to see how far I have come which is really great. There are a couple of areas I was not happy with. I didn't want to talk about my mother. I realize or I had to admit I stayed in my room so I would not get use to being around people. Actually we talked a great deal about the friends I'm temporarily staying with. I know I'm going to be sorry for not spending more time with them because I love them and want to spend time with them but I know it would make me really, really depressed when I leave. As it stands this past month has really been hard. Watching the dates go by. Planning and replanning how I should plan for Sept. It's almost here. Just saying that...I just have to take it one day at a time. Make sure I am taking care of business on my end. Which I am proud to say I have been. I have been really tight fisted with my money and also rewarding myself. I have not touched any of the money from my checks. Awesome in it self. I have also put away money from my tip out. I finally broke down twice and paid myself. I brought more ram and a hard drive then I went out this past Sunday and plan to go out this Wednesday and that will be it for a long time, on my tab that is. lol I wanted to have $2000 before I left here but I won't have enough time for that. I have been searching for a roommate. The ones I've come across have been drug fiends, guys that are move out of state, Matt T., Brandon, Chris P. Scott would be great but he is planning to move in with 3 other people. The problem is all these people are way younger than me and love to party. I just can't be around all that. I know I could fall into it and I don't want to. Being homeless sucks but I am so lucky, blessed, grateful that my friends have helped me this far. I really don't want to let them down. I want them to see me move forward and upward. Plus I could not deal with a personal failer. At least I have the back up plan. A plan I so don't want to use so I am working my ass off to not use it. But at least it would allow for a open casket. It's really weird I remember the dream I had. I was watching my own funeral and there was so many people there it was amazing. I could not believe how many people I had touched during my life. I just hope that my death is caused my me killing myself. I know it will happen before my mom dies and I still have a few more people to meet. The memory of that dream is still so strong with me. Sometimes I really hate the gift of seeing the future but oh well. Let me tell you the empathy gift still sucks. I still have a hard time realizing it's not me feeling some of the feelings I'm feeling. Channeling other people emotions is a real BITCH and a "gift" I could really go without.

So I decided I will try the pawn shops to find another bike. I know the bitch of it will be to find the right bike for my size. I still can't believe how long I've been with the wrong bikes and doing damage to my body. My left knee is not ever going to heal which really saddens and hurt likes hell for days if it gets tapped wrong. Hmmmm what else...Oh I worked on the backyard the other day. I still don't know how to make it a place in which J.D. wants to spend time back there. I really wish I could go get soil and flower for the beds. It would help bring the back to life and make it a place that she would want to see everyday. I keep holding back. Just when I think I have a idea I stop myself because I don't want to slip into "living" here. There is so much I want to do. Anyway...

I had really strange dreams last night. A number of them was sexual but the last one was not. At the end of the last dream I was trying to get the neighbors together to get the EPA to stop a company from drain our wetlands that all of us had behind our homes. I was a white guy in this dream, funny I know. It was so vivid and I felt so much passion and anger. I woke up like I need to go to bed. I slept til after 4pm and have been wanting to sleep ever since. I want to take care of the brushes up front tomorrow. I hope to be rested and up early enough to get it done. I pray for a good night sleep that will take the pain in my neck away. Well, I guess that is enough gibberish for one evening. I don't think there is anything else on my mind.
 
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