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Progress and Kitten report  
01:49pm 09/05/2009
I have to admit to myself that I have made progress. The paranoid voice have been gone for months now. I realize that yesterday. It did make me feel a great deal better.

Sunday will be three weeks since I first saw the kittens. I notice yesterday that one is missing. There is an orange(like dad(, black, and two black, gray, white(like mom) that was roaming around. One of the black, gray, white is gone. I am a little sadden but still hopeful that he/she is still around somewhere.

Nap time.
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Keeping a Mental Record  
01:11am 09/05/2009
I've got to figure out why I've slipped into "I don't careIwhat happens to me)" mood. I haven't felt like this in years. I feel like...The night I decided I was going to drink myself stupid and sleep out side because I knew it was going to drop below freeze and that would kill me. Not making the money I was making when I started this job has a great deal to do with it I'm sure. Needing or wanting, I'm not sure which, someone to hang with. I have two great people here to do that with. Well, my arch enemy, WOW, gets in the way or I don't want interfere or interact when they are playing. I also never got over invading their space. I have to forgive myself. I fell and I'm working to get back up and not do the same things over again. I have to give myself credit for that. I'm only mortal. I can't wait for my session this Monday. This ride issue is really eating me up. I have all night shifts next week, I just can't do it.

I just can't handle it right now. I have to have the bike. There is no other way around it. I can't be dependent on other people for rides, I'm over it. I'm so depressed right now. I'm so tired of crying. I'm lonely. I need some physical interaction with someone, someone "special", yeah right. See, if I was dead I would not have to worry about all this shit. Yes, it ends any possibilities of any thing getting better. I don't fucking care and I should but I don't. I write this hoping or thinking I will reread all this and laugh at where I was in life and be thankful that I am not dead. For now...living is so overrated.
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Treating myself  
08:40am 08/05/2009
After weeks of saving up my money, which meant not going out and not eating at work, I brought myself 2gigs of ram and a new hard drive, 1TB. I turned down all the invites to go out and did not have any Grey Goose Cosmos at work. Even now I'm not buying drinks from work, cost to much. I'm taking more control of myself.

I have to be out of here by the year mark, August. I'll admit it has really stressed me out. I've had more than a few sleepless nights. I'm just so grateful that I've been allow to stay in "The Pink Room". Just knowing I wasn't getting kicked out as long and I moved forward was/is such a boost to me to move forward and grow in many different way. I seek guides and approval from my friends that I normally would not seek. It has been a way for me to be a child again and learn what is right and wrong and a "normal" home. This is something I have desired and needed for so long. I wish I had more time. There is more I need to figure out but I don't have the time. Wait...I think I got here in October...which means nothing if I hear "you have 2 weeks". Even now I'm freaking out inside. I just want to make sure I have the money to start out right this time. Having a car would be great but...stress, pressure, fear. Wait! As long as I remember there is always an easy way out I can relax, some what. Ok, I'm going to relax and do my damndest...no, I'm going to have my license back before I have to go. I won't have time to make my $2000 goal but w/e.

My next set of goals is to get my license...the others get mixed up. I can live in a car and get other jobs and not depend on ecat or other people. I've been blessed by God to get the rides that I get.

Fusion. It would cut into my other job because of the bus situation.

Better off dead

I have been stressed for the last few months since the shifts have been cut at work. I could have had my license back by now if I did not have to pay storage.

I still don't care that I think about offing myself. If I get to the point that I'm going to hit rock bottom after all this work to better myself...Yes, I've already figured out how and where to do it.

Damn it, I did not realize I've been depressed after "the talk". It really hit me hard. I haven't thought of this as home, just to keep me from being comfortable. I knew I needed to have a car to make it work in the world. But I'm running out of time and patience with myself. Oh well, I'm going to live my life to the fullest, some what, and make my goals real or die. Its the whole go hard or go home attitude.

I've been somewhat avoiding them. I want to understand, be apart of, or have more knowledge of WOW. Once Diablo III come out, God I pray they play it also.
That's when I feel isolated. I don't understand the conversation. I'm also busy with my on and off learning, which I am growing in, which is a great thing.

She's gone downstairs...Cry

I'm so torn. Monday I see my therapist. I really looking forward to touch my mother issues. NOT!

Even though I'm doing better as a person. I'm only mortal. I realize...nothing. I'm going to do some yard work I need another form of release.
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Have your own car  
02:05pm 20/04/2009
I realize that I did not get on the party bus for lLiz's birthday because I don't have a car. I did not on the tubing adventure for the same reason.

I had to relearn a lesson this past Saturday. My old friend Jacob H. called me at work and wanted to know if I wanted to go out with him and this other guy from Genesis's past and Angie, a woman who came and ate at the restaurant and raved about me to Jacob.. I said sure, I couldn't find a ride home from work, I was really tired. To make a long story...Jacob hooked up with someone, Eric left and I ended up walking to the Circle K on A and Garden. That was after I walked a mile out of the way to see if a co worked was at her bf's home. Luckily, the guy and girl showed up at the Circle K just as my cab pulled up so after dropping Michelle at his place Kyle(hotness with legs and an ass that won't quit) took me to Jacob to get directions to Eric so I could get my iPod, Bose and other stuff from his car. Before Eric and Jacob said how sorry they were and Jacob left me a voice message the next day. You see Jacob left me behind for a trick many years ago.

The lesson in all this...HAVE YOUR OWN CAR! That will solve so many problems. I can find other work, it's slow at the restaurant. I can save time not waiting on a bus that sometime runs properly. Independence. Then I may feel like being more social and not spend so much time my homie the computer.
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(no subject)  
10:04pm 14/04/2009
Why am I so angry today?
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New Job  
09:59pm 26/01/2009
1st day
My brain hurts. It's freaking awesome! I'm tired.
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Buddy Bear Dream  
12:41pm 22/12/2008
Buddy was in my dream last night. I was at home/church. I went outside with a dirt Buddy in my arms started speaking in Hebrew. I was walking around the building reciting some chat. As I rounded the corner I saw my friend Joyce out the corner of my eye then I woke up. I was listening to a program about Hanukah on PRI, hosted by Leonard Nimoy. LOL
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11:06pm 19/12/2008
I started my 39th year of life by continuing the pressure washing of my friends driveway, still not finished. I did get the beams and patio done, yeah. I vacuumed Jesse, old guy, care and help him condition the leather seats of his Town Car, top of the live Cartier. I was so sore after all that and the pressure washing from the day before I showered and took a nap. Perk woke me and my friends treated me to one of my favorite restaurants, Zea. Oh, wait...before we left the house I was given gifts. I have to admit it was awesome. I didn't expect anything, I live with them for god sake how could I wish for anything more but I got another bear. YEAH!!! His name is Buddy Bear, pictures up on myspace, hehe. Also I got a iTunes gift card, very sweet but wait, there's more, chocolates, I had to hide the bag from myself or it would be gone in moments. It has been a full day of good, with the brief moment of family, no comment, and other "close" friends forgetting my birthday. Oh well. I'm happy.
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The Call...  
05:42pm 16/11/2008
Granddaddy is dead.
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12:16pm 01/11/2008
I found out yesterday that my grandfather is dying. I found out this morning that he has prostate cancer and will be going any day now. Writing it down isn't helping me get it out. My eyes keep leaking just the same.

My mom is going to lose her dad. I just can't imagine the pain. I don't care that much for my own father so I just can not relate to her closeness with granddad. I only know my own pain and my own relationship with granddaddy. My eyes keep leaking.

I want to see him before he dies but in a way I want to remember him like I do. Aged, tough, strong brick mason whom I spent time with as a child. The man I visited as an adult. The man and his new wife, young enough for me to date her. The step aunt younger than most of my cousins. lol He has a had a long life, 83, yet I have so many questions I wanted to ask about his past, his family, his life. I only had a few opportunities to sit and talk with him and that was not enough, just not enough.
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